“I’ll love you forever. I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.”
Robert Munsch
As mom to identical twin boys, I often feel like I’m living a social experiment. Two people who look similar, have been raised in the same environment, but yet they are like night and day from one another.
One likes chocolate while the other prefers vanilla. One is outgoing while the other is more reserved. One is a hugger while the other is perfectly content with a friendly fist bump. Even when they were little, one would wear shorts while the other preferred pants regardless of the temperature outside. And now that they are getting older, their differences and their innate uniqueness tend to present themselves in different ways.
As a parent, one of the hardest things we can do is try not to impose our own values and expectations on our kids as these are things they need to figure out on their own. I’m a talker. I love to communicate and talk things through when I’m feeling challenged or overwhelmed. That works for one of my kids as he wears his emotions on his sleeve. All it takes is one look at him to know that something is off and I can usually get him to open up simply by saying, “Hey, bud. You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind. Anything I can do?” For my other son, it’s a little more complicated than that. He won’t open up until he’s good and ready and no offering of support, conversation or concern will get him to budge.
It’s taken me a while to know how to best navigate these innate differences in my boys. Previously, I would push my reserved son to open up, thinking that he just needed permission to cave and spill whatever was troubling his sweet soul. Guess how that worked out? I ended up feeling frustrated and ineffective in supporting one of the people I love most and he ended up irritated and annoyed with me. So I’ve learned (with some coaching and insight from my husband) to give him his space. I still make it known that I’m here for whatever he needs but I no longer expect him to conform to the way I deal with things or to address issues on my timeline.
Quarantine has been a shit show, no question. It’s tested us all as I’m sure no 15 year olds want to be home-bound with their parental units 24/7 for months. For a family that lives in a small house, we’ve done our best to give each of the boys their own space so they didn’t feel suffocated by the place they should feel the most comfortable and my relationship with my boys has evolved during all of this time at home. In different ways and at different times, both of my boys have shared some deeply personal things with me. Truth be told, some of those things I wasn’t quite prepared to hear as their mother and I’ve lost some sleep over some of them. But I’ve tried to maintain my best poker face so that they know mom, dad and home will always be their safe space.
Being a teenager is different now. The pressures are greater, the socializing is different and add in a little global pandemic and it makes the future seem even more daunting. But taking the time to really understand my boys and respect their differences has helped. And even though one thing they both have in common is that they want and appreciate more freedom at this age, I know that they still need attention from us, albeit in a different way from when they were little.
So, my boys, I will be here whenever you need to talk. I’ll continue to intentionally tell you the things that I love and appreciate about each of you. I’ll give you a hug or a fist bump as a demonstration of my love in a way that works for each of you. And I’ll never stop telling you I love you even if your response is sometimes “thanks.” Because, even though you may not say it, sometimes I think you need these things just as much as I do.
This was beautiful! Insert *tears*! Thank for sharing!!!