Apologies aren’t meant to change the past, they are meant to change the future.
Kevin Hancock
Raising teenagers is not for the faint of heart. There are disagreements and arguments. They are growing up, learning who they are, testing limits and pushing boundaries along the way. If it seems like we as parents are the ones who are most often on the receiving end of the majority of that pushback, it’s because we are. And here’s the controversial part…..that’s not a bad thing.
That means they feel safe with us. They know they can be at their most challenging and we will love them anyway. While conflict never feels good, especially conflict with people you helped to create, a resolution is usually not far behind. But it’s important to recognize those attempts at resolution as they may not always present themselves clearly.
With maturity, age and experience comes acceptance that we are not always right. Admitting we are wrong is never an easy task but it’s even harder for our kids. They have far less experience with positive outcomes to conflict so are likely more hesitant to attempt it outright. That’s why it’s so important for us to pay attention to the cues that they are attempting a resolution or even an apology. And an apology doesn’t always include “I’m sorry.” It can show up in a million different ways, words or actions that can sometimes mean so much more than an outright, or worse, insincere or forced apology.
Here’s an example. Yesterday one of my boys was communicating his need for privacy, that his room is his space and he feel sometimes we aren’t respecting that. That is my synopsis of what he was saying; he shared his feelings with greater volume and less carefully selected words 🙂 While I can think of a million places I’d prefer to go than his room, like to the dentist, jury duty or an accordion concert, I waited until he was done before doing my best to respond calmly.
After that, we needed a little space from each other, a lesson I have learned from my time in the teenage trenches. I don’t like loose ends. I need to communicate and talk things through. But I’ve realized that not everyone does and certainly not on my timeline. So we left some of his words hanging in the air, words and tone that packed a bit of a sting. He went on with his day and I with mine. We passed each other in the kitchen without saying much and although it was just the two of us in the room, it felt much fuller with the unresolved tension.
A few hours later, he ordered Skip the Dishes for himself and his brother. I was in the living room watching TV when he came out and held out half a cheeseburger to me. He said “I’m full. Do you want this half? I cut it with a knife and didn’t pull it apart with my hands.”
And there it was. A proverbial olive branch in the shape of 1/2 a McDonald’s cheeseburger, not on a silver platter but on a crinkled wrapper.
I could have clapped back with something about our earlier conflict but instead I happily accepted his offering, thanking him for thinking of me. And in that moment, I could feel the tension melt away. It was probably hard for him to make the offer as he wasn’t sure how I’d respond and it was hard for me to not fully talk through our earlier conversation. But not every battle needs to be a full on war.
That cheeseburger was his way of saying he was sorry. And my acceptance of it was my way of saying everything is ok. While not all disagreements can be solved with food or by not talking things through in more detail, it’s important to look for the small gestures that have big meaning.
Being a teenager has always been hard and sometimes as adults we can seem to forget that. We are guilty of applying our adult expectations to kids who sometimes simply aren’t physiologically capable of meeting them and then we wonder why conflict ensues. It’s ok to let them save face sometimes. It’s normal to disagree because we have different perspectives, experiences and world views. And it’s critical to love them through it all.
Keep being their safe space. Look for the little ways they reach out. And eat the cheeseburger.
