Two Decades of Love

“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

Robert Heinlein

Last week, my husband and I celebrated 18 years of wedded bliss. OK, so it hasn’t always been pure bliss but he has always been and continues to be one of my favourite people in the world. We’ve been married for 18 years but together for 21 which feels like an impossibility since in my mind I am still 25 years old even though my aches and my eyesight tell a different story 🙂 And over that time, I’ve realized that love, real and true love, shows itself in many different ways.

We were young when we met, not high school young but I was 24 and he was 27 (even though I didn’t believe that he was 27 so I made him show me his ID the first night we met). I knew from the beginning that we were very different people. He’s an introvert and I’m more extroverted. I like to talk things out and he’s more of a thinker. We were raised in different environments, we have different views on lots of topics but deep down, we value the same things when it comes to marriage, family and love. But when it comes to love, the way we express it is very different from one another.

I took this quiz once about love languages (hold the eye rolls) and it really helped to put into words the ways in which we differ.  I tell him often how much I love him while he’s not a big words guy. He prefers to show his love through actions instead. At first, it bothered me that he didn’t communicate in the same way I did but then I started focusing on the subtle and meaningful ways that he shows his love. Here are just a few ways:

1. When he makes breakfast, he gives me the “good” eggs” (the ones where the yolks haven’t been broken so I can dip my toast in them.
2. He puts gas in my car 
3. We work on the barter system – I make him some sandwiches in exchange for foot rubs
4. On occasion, he will come home with a tea or a Mars bar for me, knowing they are my  favourites. And when Tim Horton’s forgets to take my tea bag out, he will circle back around in the drive thru to get them to fix it.
5. He doesn’t love parties but knows that I do so when I host my friends, he will make sure things run smoothly (helping me clean before people come over, setting up his portable heater in the backyard so the girls and I can be comfortable while sitting outside)
6. He shows respect for me on a daily basis and models for our sons how a woman should be treated
7. He puts the 3 of us before himself.  Always.

For as long as I’ve known him, he doesn’t like to spend money on himself. He actually feels guilty when he buys himself new clothes or a golf club or something for archery. For as long as I’ve known him, he has always talked about his dream of owning a truck. He’s from Muskoka so it’s kind of in his blood 🙂 To him, it seemed like something that was nice to think about but not necessarily something he would actually do. Over the past couple of months, he’s been looking at trucks online and talking to me more about them. 

Now I just told you that he’s not a big words guy but from time to time, he will find just the right ones to express how he’s feeling. It was right after his birthday (which was days before our anniversary) that he found his words to explain why he’s been coveting trucks from afar. 

Growing up, his family didn’t have much money. He remembered that at about age 9, like every kid, he wanted the latest video game which at the time was Defender for the Atari. He remembers, even at such a young age, that he felt guilty asking his parents to spend money on a game for him. And that broke my heart but also sent me on a mission. 

I knew I needed to find a way to show him that he should not feel guilty about treating himself. He is one of the hardest workers I know and doesn’t hesitate to splurge on things for me or the boys so I wanted him to apply the same importance to things for himself. And I knew what I needed to find in order to send him that message. 

I texted my mom to see if she had any of my brother’s old Atari games. She didn’t but she said she’d reach out to my aunt to see if she had any. Lo and behold, she had Defender in a box in her basement!!  I picked it up from her, wrapped it up and gave him an early anniversary gift. 

It’s not at all a practical gift but more a symbolic one. It was my way of saying he doesn’t need to feel guilty for wanting things that he’s worked hard for. It was my way of saying I support him just as he always supports me. It was my way of saying that he should get a truck. 

If 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that life is short and we shouldn’t take anything (or anyone) for granted. Do the things you want to do, spend time with those you love and do what makes you happy. And even after 20+ years, no one makes me happier than him 🙂